What’s the worst thing someone said to you after your loved one died? 

Imagine waking up to your mothers death and floating, heartbroken yet numb, through the rest of the day. Imagine going through the motions of life… a shower, shoving some nameless food down your throat, passing out before the sun sets on what will forever be the worst day of your life… only to hear the sound of your phone play its cheerful little text tone before the sun has become brave enough to face you again. 

Imagine seeing the time and thinking that there must be an emergency because everyone knows you’re grieving and no one would disturb you unless they absolutely had to get in touch with you right that second. After all, it’s been less than 24 hours since your mom died AND it’s Mothers Day. Double whammy.

So naturally I spiraled. Someone must be hurt. Someone is in the hospital. Someone else is dead…

But no. 

It’s your stepfather in the group chat you created when Mom was sick and he wants to talk about cleaning out the house and getting rid of all moms “crap”. He wants to discuss how the house is cluttered, dysfunctional and he can no longer live in “the chaos of crap”. He sends a 40 line text message talking about how he wants to toss everything or try to sell things that might have value. He rambles on about starting a hydroponic garden and redoing the bathrooms, but it can’t be done if he’s surrounded by all moms “useless stuff”. 

When I informed him that we wouldn’t be discussing these topics today, he responded by informing me that “everyone grieves in a different way”. Apparently his way of grieving was thinking about what dumpster company to hire so he could toss every last ounce of our mother in the trash. The anxiety I had after these messages was sky high. At any moment, he could potentially throw away things she loved and we would never see them again. 

This was the first time he used that phrase to shirk responsibility for his poorly timed assault. There aren’t enough fingers and toes in the world to count how many times my siblings and I called him on his bizarre, hurtful behavior and he threw this slogan out as some kind of excuse for it. 

“Everyone grieves in a different way” might seem harmless and I know from experience that there is no truer statement. Everyone handles things differently. Everyone on this planet goes through the hills and valleys of life in a very personal, sometimes wild way. Yet, after hearing this phrase as an attempt to excuse each and every one of his cruelties (which NEVER came with an apology to follow it), I have a bit of PTSD. Now, whenever I hear someone use this expression, it makes every muscle in my body tense up and my brain nosedives off the nearest cliff right into rage filled waters. 

“Everyone grieves in a different way” was not only used the day after Mom left us to broach the topic of throwing her things away. It was also used when he found out that I came to the house when he wasn’t home to take some of Moms things to my house – after he explicitly said he wanted them thrown away. It was used immediately after when he installed 50 cameras in the house to WATCH and LISTEN to what was going on in his home while he wasn’t there. It was used when he called me a bitch and a liar for trying to have an honest discussion with him about his behavior. It was used after he kicked me out of my mother’s house and told me I was no longer welcome there. It was used when less than a month after Mom died, he changed his relationship status to “single” on Facebook. Not widowed… SINGLE. It was used when he threw a plate at my sister’s head. It was used after he pretended like we did not exist, ignoring us for days and then proceeded to SIT on TOP of my sister while she was drinking coffee on the couch rendering her immobile under his weight. It was used when he blocked me on social media and again when he blocked my phone number. It was used to excuse him talking about the WOMEN he was dating at my mother’s prayer service. It was used as a weapon after he told my siblings and I that he knew Mom better than we ever did and that’s why he’s more affected by her death than us. HER CHILDREN. I could go on and on and on… but I think you get the picture. 

“Everyone grieves in a different way” is not blanket immunity. It is also a piss poor personal motto. You do not get to act categorically unhinged and then throw this phrase on the blazing fire you’ve ignited. You do not get to rip out other people’s hearts and then happily move on with your day. You do not get to act like you’re the ONLY ONE in pain and you most certainly do not get to act like you’re the one who’s the MOST hurt. Children trump second husbands every time. We’ve known her longer. I’ll die on that hill.

If you’ve experienced having this phrase weaponized against you during the hardest moments of your life, I’m so sorry. 

If you’re the one wielding it like a sword, choke.